Pregnancy - Losses & False Hope

Helloo,

Today I am talking about something quite serious and maybe upsetting for a few. So if this is a sensitive topic for you, please I advise you to not read on if you know it will upset you and that is not my intention.

Oh plus it is a super long one! It has taken me so unbelievably long to write this post, literally day after day I kept coming back but I could never get the words out and then to press the publish button was just so impossible.

Before I continue I will also be posting about premature babies soon ready for 'World Prematurity Day' on 17th November. Here is Corey at 4 weeks old on the NICU:

Talking about babies lets get on with today's post on pregnany false hope, miscarriages and still birth. 

It recently came to my attention on how common miscarriages, still births and baby deaths are. Not many of us like to share our experiences with this, even though sometimes talking can help. It depends on that individual. But more importantly, talking about it can help raise awareness. This week 9th - 15th October is actually 'Baby Loss Awareness Week'. More information is on the Sands (baby still birth and neonatal death) Charity by clicking here.

I too have been there, it was a few years ago now - way before my blogging days. I really don't want to even talk about it but it doesn't mean that every day I don't think about it. All that pain that comes with it. It was not a nice time in my life, certainly one of the worst. When I hear about other people who have gone through the same or similar, whether it be a celebrity, a fellow blogger, a friend or a stranger. My heart breaks for them knowing how they must be feeling and I can't help but cry.

Some of you may have known that recently I went through a break-up and still trying to mend my broken heart to be quite honest. That wasn't all though,  I thought I was pregnant and then time of the month was late, oh wow did I get excited and get my hopes up. It seems stupid to believe but there were signs, just horoscopes and stuff like that. But mine are always right and I was gutted when they were wrong. Even nausea though I was so ill for the whole week leading up to it.

I am probably as broody as it comes like I can't even describe how much I want another baby. I want that feeling again of growing a baby inside you, the newborn snuggles, the firsts (words, steps, shoes etc). I wanted Corey to be a big brother because I know he would of been an amazing big brother just like I would have been a good mummy to another!

Frankly, when my time of the month came, I was crushed. More than crushed, almost heart broken. I know it may sound silly to some because I didn't lose a child, not like last time any ways but I thought our time had come early, my hopes were raised and then it felt like my dream has now been taken from me.

I knew after a traumatic c-section and a miscarriage, I didn't think it would be easy to conceive - I knew there would be a problem. I just had that feeling. Next year with that said ex partner we were going to try for a baby. Obviously now that won't happen and maybe for the best as being a single mum to two wouldn't of been easy but it doesn't mean it still wasn't what I wanted.

One day my time will maybe come, that is if I can even conceive when that time comes. But god it feels like I may not get that chance now and how awful is that?

I am so lucky to have Corey, he is my best friend, my son, my whole world and so much more. I am so glad I have him by my side every day and I haven't been able to get upset around him as I don't want him to see his mummy cry. Even though he doesn't know it, he is helping me through! Just like my best friend Andrea from Blogger Mumma has been my absolute rock, I don't know what I would do without her right now. Every day she puts up with my texts, tears and moaning. She cheers me up and sends me videos of her singing along to Disney!

I know this experience I am going through is not pregnancy or baby loss, but to me at the moment it hurts. Especially as it is almost 3 years after my actual baby loss. I felt I couldn't really write this post because I felt I would be judged for what may seem like I am being upset over nothing but to me it is everything. But someone somewhere will probably be just as upset as I am too, I think I wrote this post so maybe someone will see it and not feel alone like I do.

People may say there is a way to get over a pregnancy or baby loss, but I don't think there is. That pain will never go away and it doesn't seem right to say it gets easier. I just think within time the pain becomes normal and you have no choice but to live daily life.

It was only until I had become a blogger I heard of the term 'rainbow baby' not realising that one day I would be having one too. I don't know if it is classed as that after a fair few years gone by. Either way a baby is so precious and I hope one say I get another to join my family.

I cry a lot for many reasons, I write about how I feel, I never really tell anyone how I feel though. But right now one thing I wish I could do is talk that person I love and just have a big cuddle, to be told that everything will be okay. If you have someone who can do that for you, confide in them and let them help. Don't suffer alone!

Love, Gemma xo

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