Miscarriage

Helloo,

Sometimes I think it is better to not say anything at all, sometimes its better than to deal with all the questions that will be asked. Sometimes all the sympathy in the world, it still doesn't make it better. I have kept something to myself for a little while now, it hasn't helped. It made it worse. I finally opened up to one of best friends earlier today and it made a world of difference.

I sit here now writing this wondering whether I should actually post or not. Writing is my way of letting it out so to speak, not just for me but I know for many others too. People have their own way of dealing with things. This is mine. Whether I publish this or not is a different story but you may find out if you are reading this. My music is very loudly playing as I try to block out my thoughts for just a few minutes, a few minutes without thoughts means a few minutes without tears. It didn't really work out like that though.

So I had this secret, I had this pain, that I hadn't told anyone. I couldn't tell anyone. If I told someone, it made it reality. I cried to myself every day and night. Braving a smile for when Corey was home after school. Probably the hardest thing to do is a fake a smile for the sake of your children so they don't see the pain. But it has to be done.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a lot of pain every day. I was being sick, I was having a lot of bleeding and some insane cramping pains. I'm sure some of you can guess where this may be going. I spent the whole week at home. Everyone out of my friends and family who knew how ill I was, they told me to go to the doctors. I lied and said I didn't. But I did.

Back in October I wrote a post on Pregnancy, losses and false hope (view here). I wrote how a few years ago, I experienced the pain. I wrote how heart breaking it is to get the false hope of thinking you are pregnant and get that negative test each month. I wrote how I suffered alone. The same has happened. Everyone knows by now how broody I am, all I want is to have more children. All the pregnancy announcements at the moment, I am so happy for all my friends but I do have a bit of jealously each time there is a new announcement waiting for my time to come.

I was scared, I was scared that my worst nightmare was coming true again. The doctors confirmed the worst. I didn't want it to be true. The worst feeling ever is I didn't even know I was pregnant, I didn't know there was a baby starting to grow inside of me. I found out when it was too late. There was nothing I could do. I was helpless. I couldn't of done anything.

Telling people makes it reality, it is making me comes to terms with it, sort of. Hiding the fact that it happened, it didn't change my feelings. It made it worse. When my pains started to fade and the bleeding stopped, I tried to get out and about. I've been carrying on with my driving lessons. I've been trying to see friends. I don't want to deal with all the questions, I don't want all the sympathy. But I'm fed up of having to fake a smile anymore. It doesn't feel right. At the moment I don't even feel whole.

Today was the actual end of an era for something in my life, which was something that was long over due but it still didn't make it easier. It doesn't change the fact it is over and I still have to process it and deal with it. But it just came at the wrong time with everything that I chose to go through alone recently. Whether that person would have been there or not is a different story, who knows. It wouldn't of made it easier. It wouldn't change what has happened.

Last year Harriet wrote a post on how she wasn't dealing with miscarriage, it sums it up all in one. Check it out here. Time was moving forward, people getting on with their lives - but it doesn't forget the feeling.

An old post I wrote was all about what to do when feeling blue, so check it out by clicking here. It is exactly how I spend this weekend with friends. They didn't know what was going on, but they were still there and we watched my favourite movies, ate some nachos and chilli - was yum!

I try to be positive with most things but sometimes there just isn't enough positivity in the world to make things okay. I can wake up every day and get on with life, just like I have been trying. But it eventually caught up with me. Whether its something bad that has happened, grief, or a bad day. It's okay to be sad about it. It is part of the process of moving forward.

Love, Gemma xo

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