Emotional Rollercoaster..

This post is probably as personal as it has ever gotten for me and I don't usually do this. Well as the title suggests pregnancy has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. I am quite highly emotional as it is these past couple years. I try and fake that I am really a tough bitch but deep down I am the complete opposite. But pregnancy has taken this to a whole new level of emotional and frankly I am struggling to cope with it.

If you follow me on Instagram and if not, why not? haha  @gemandthem :) You will see I have been fairly quietly recently but the posts I have posted haven't exactly been very positive or cheerful. I have been having a hard time and this week has gotten a whole lot worse.

I really don't know why I am sharing this with my blog or readers but I have got to the point where I have to let it out a bit and I need to do it to help I guess in some way process what is going on. Maybe I won't even post this for everyone to read, maybe it may just be left in my drafts.

 I may look sort of happy if you were to see me with my chubby round pregnant face but really it's just all a front for that little blue eyed blonde beauty of mine. I smile during the day for him, to get through the day and try to make myself feel better. I don't dare show him how upset I truly am but sometimes it is just hard to always fake a smile. But I try!

Corey's father and I split almost 6 years ago when he was only around 9 months old (who is still a very big and active part in Corey's life). I since have had a partner of 3 years who helped raise Corey amazingly but we split years ago. I managed to pick myself up even the next day after this because it was for the best reason and I had seen it coming for a long time. Corey on the other hand had a very hard time dealing with it and that was another reason I knew I had to pick myself up quickly to be strong for him. To be honest I am not going to lie I didn't want to introduce Corey to another person because I didn't want to have to break his heart again.

But last year I decided to introduce him to someone I had completely fallen head over heels in love with. To be honest this guy is the one for me, I've never had someone so funny and someone who can always make me smile even when I don't want too. Although sometimes never understand my emotional self would always try his best in his own little ways. Corey grew to him instantly and frankly looks up to him a whole lot copying everything he does etc. You get the picture anyways!

As you will know we now have a baby boy of our own on the way. Corey is beyond excited to not just be a big brother but to be a family too.

And it is with a very heavy heart that I have to now break his heart once again as our family isn't anymore. I have struggled so hard this time and although I fake a smile when around Corey, the rest of the time I am a blubbering mess in bed as I am about to become a single mum of two.

My little bump isn't due until 11th October but it will be late September if not even earlier at this rate. On Wednesday I had a 23 week midwife appointment. I was immediately sent to hospital with high blood pressure and being tested for pre-eclampsia. At just 23 weeks!!!!! Corey was born premature at just 34 weeks due to this reason so of course I was already anxious about this. Thankfully I have had the all clear, for now at least. But let's face it there isn't much hope for the rest of the pregnancy now. I just hope he keeps his little fidgety bum in there for now!!!

I am an emotional mess and I know I am extremely stressed. It is easy for others to say calm down and don't stress. But I am anxious of the fact that I am not prepared for a baby to be arriving in September yet let alone earlier. Frankly it isn't that long away as time is flying by in the blink of an eye. I am shit scared on how I am going to be a single mother of two. I am shit scared on how I will cope with another c-section as my last one almost 7 years on still causes me pain and issues. How am I going to cope?! I really dont know.

I know I have mainly raised Corey alone for all these years. With a lot of help from a very supportive family albeit. Of course they are here prepared to help again now. Not just myself but my family too all have had such a better life since Corey, he is our centre and he may he a moody spoilt git at times but he is also the most kind amd loving little boy I know. As well as extremely cute. Bias I know! I am extremely proud of him and how far he has come and a little smarty pants too. I do take a lot of credit for it because why the hell shouldn't I? No child is perfect of course and neither is no parent. But I really hope I can do just a good a job with this little boy growing inside of me especially with some help from his big brother who already adores and loves him so much.

I don't know how I am going to cope with anything from heart break to being a single mum of two. But it also means more cuddles, more kisses and more love from two little boys who I can call all mine ❤

I guess by writing this I have actually realised I am not scared of being a single mum. I know I will do the best I can and that one day two boys will hopefully think the world of me for trying my best. My mum done the same for my brother and I, we couldn't of asked for a better mum frankly. May not always see eye to eye at times but as you get older you realise your best friend really is your mum. I am also very thankful that she is the best nanny ever too. Then there is my grandparents too who help in so many ways I can not count. Corey looks up to these three just as much as he does to me and I can't wait to see another little boy become apart of our family and be so loved by many.

I am just heart broken at losing the one I know was the one. Whether this may actually be forever or temporary who knows. Because I hope that one day it may be fixed. I can hope anyways. But for now I am heartbroken and I won't ever be over this and I can assure you after this breaks Corey's heart my life is officially a singleton until at least my boys are grown ups. If this stays the way it stands now. I know I am very young and probably don't see it now that one day maybe I will look back and think it happened for a reason and it was for the best. But I can't help but feel guilt for bringing this upon Corey and a baby. I can't help but feel like my heart is shattered into pieces from losing my best friend and love of my life.

I hope I can deal with it more now that I have realised that this is what has happened and that the heart break has truly  sunken in. I need to get off my lazy pregnant ass and get on preparing for the future. Because who knows how early this bubba could come and I still need to find a 3 bed place to move too. Although that's a story for another post!

So I am very sorry for writing this long strange mix of crap but it had to be let out. I will try to be positive in posts to come bit sometimes you just have to share the truth that life is at times truly and utterly shit.